Woods

As I become more and more nocturnal from my distaste in going to sleep at decent times grows I begin to ponder more and more. Hours every night of thinking about my life and where I am, the events around me.
2 of my best friends are now gone on mormon missions that I don't agree with. Dead to me, Tanr and Aj are dead. While they live on elsewhere doing something that is brainwashing them, they have died to everyone here who isn't in their brainwash too.
My support system is taking a major transformation. New faces, new methods, new pain.
I have grown to hate my mother. I hope for a day that I will no longer have to deal with her, a day when all she will be is a faded memory, an ugly scar over a nasty wound. If I have kids, I hope they will never know her.
My view on my father is shifting slowly that way as well. While I'm sure I'll keep him in my life he is still a constant reminder of who I really started out as.
As a lie. A bad idea to try to mend a bad marriage.
It has become apparent that both of my parents have been living lies for the last 20 howevermany years they have been married. That the marriage shouldn't have ever happened. That they brought 3 kids into this lie because they were too stupid to see it for what it is, and now we are all paying for it.
I lashed out at my dad the other day when he was hounding me for not spending enough time with my mom, he kept saying things like "but you know she loves you" yeah, I know that. So I let him know how I felt in a way he would understand by replying with "yeah, and she knows how to hurt those shes loves really fucking well doesnt she?"
I no longer have this thing called family. My mother and father are now just parents, the people that birthed me and raised me in a lie. Now that there is truth I am not a part of them. My siblings ignore me, because I am the black sheep, I don't fit the puzzle anymore.
I'm sick of lying, telling people, yeah I'm doing alright. 'Cause I'm not. I'm fucked up, I'm always fucked up, my heart is a mess because I haven't broken down for months, and every time I might, I can't and I just harden my heart more. It's getting harder and harder to even feel. To be something other than hatred and anger. To care, to live, to love.
I feel I'm lost in the woods, searching for a clearing, I know all these things about whats going on around me, I just have no idea what to do with them, where to go with them. I just know, I can't stay here.

The Spirit of the Season

I hate the holidays...