Hangman's Solace

Today marks the end of an era.
A time when a dream has expired and must wander on.
She taught me what it means to be a man.
She took my breathe away for good and for bad.
She showed me new ways to look at life.
She taught me that sorrow is an essential part of the human experience.
But most of all she taught me love.
Call her Eve if you will.
The first of her kind.
An enigma if you may.
Complete mystery and total understanding somehow coexisting.
And today I let go of this dream, this nightmare, this reverie
That has stayed with me, inspired me, taught me to truly live.
For it is the end of an era.

Solace out

Concept Songs

So Moose has recently turned me on to concept writing. So I took my spin with it and my lyrics. Here's lyrics to a song I wrote up tonight. It's about a girl in a relationship that's abusive in some way and she thinks she just can't get out. Her name is Skye and I loaded the song full of double meaning words. Lemme know what you think. Hangman out.

Saving The Skye

Verse 1
Some nights, There’s a look in her eyes
Of a scared girl, who doesn’t cry
But if I can just see her smile
I’m reminded of why
I’ve chosen to fight

Pre-chorus
And when she comes down
I’ll be around
Reaching to
Save the Skye

Chorus
‘Cause on the inside
There’s this girl I love
Hiding behind
Those bloodshot eyes.
And when it comes down
And she’s going through hell
I’ll be standing there
Right by her side

Verse 2
Dreaming of her ends in mourning
The sleepless nights, the restless days
I’ve found the answer, solved the problem
Broken a friendship, saved a life
Knowing I must bury the Son
To save the girl, hold up the Skye

Harleys

I ran across this quote online and just thought I would share it with the motorcycling world.
Difference between a Harley and a Hoover is the position of the DIRTBAG.

The Girls

So summer is about to be in full swing, so there are going to be a lot of posts about my projects... Yes the motorcycles. So I figure I should make introductions now. Photos to come in the next few days.

Susan is a 1983 Suzuki Gs650gl that I am converting from a standard to a cafe racer... Currently she is in the middle of a face lift and lays in many pieces around the garage. But She is my baby and my pride.

Temperance is a 2000 Kawasaki Ninja Ex250 that is Zach's learning bike and is said named because of her lack of will to cooperate... She also lays in pieces across the garage, but fewer and in closer to running condition. It's amazing how much stuff you need to take off of a sport bike to check the fuses, pull of the carbs and switch out the spark plugs.

Tiffany and Britney are our twin Yamaha F600's. Tiffany is a 1985 and Britney is a 1984. They were most recently purchased and are some of the sweetest 80's bikes I have ever seen. Those we are polishing up and selling one and then Zach is upgrading to the other. So for $1000 for the both of them and an estimated $300 more for parts to get them both running nice and plush but not perfect and an estimated sale cost of between $1300 and $1700 a piece I think we are doing alright...

Today Zach and I spent most of the day problem hoping from one bike to the next getting problems fixed until we got frustrated then moved to the next. It was a good day. And like I said, pictures to come.

Hangman out.

Escape

Church has become a cage, whereas God is freedom.

Cause and Effect

Today was an interesting day... One of those days where, at the beginning nothing seems to be working the way it should, but in the end you know that each little thing happened because God decided it would just that way.
So it starts off with me waking up at Zak's house. We were supposed to go back to my place and work on bikes all afternoon, but I had a wicked headache and dad wasn't happy and needed his car back... It was a miserable day to be doing anything like that anyways, cold and rainy. So nothing at all was happening all day and out of frustration I just sat and wrote out the music to my most recent lyrics in powertab and went over Alan's musical difficulties with him.
I had the car last night so I let Blake have it tonight. No one really cared to put much effort into letting me know if anything was going on except Zak and Nathan, and Zak doesn't have transportation and Nathan was exhausted anyways. So on goes the night with me being ignored by the 2 groups of people I really wanted to see that night and of course the frustration grows... I start getting nuts when 11 rolls around and Blake is supposed to be back with the car. He gets home and I immediately head over to Nathans to smoke pipes and just talk.
On the way over to Nathans the back left tire on the Jeep seemed to be making funny noises, but I'll get to that. So pretty much as soon as I had light my pipe up I get a call from Josh and the Canadians telling me to come right over. In all reality I was totally torn between smoking another couple of pipefulls with Nathan and going right over there to see everyone. So I picked the middle ground and finished the one we had started and headed out.
Leaving Nathans my tire was making some really weird noise, like it had something attached to it that was flopping every time the wheel turned. So at about 6200 south it blows out... I bet you guys saw that one coming... And that was, what I thought, the last thing I needed, to be out in the cold (thank God it had stopped raining) switching out my tire.
So as I'm getting everything ready, and Josh and Dani are coming down to give me some light an old trucker was conveniently also broken down right across the street. One of his air hoses had blown and he needed to get replacement clamps to keep the spare one on... It's midnight of Easter Sunday in Sandy, Utah, with nothing around. So the trucker, named Gordy, was a saint and helped me fix my tire faster in exchange for a ride to the top of the hill to see if that gas station had any clamps.
So we get everything taken care of and I tell Josh and Dani that I'll meet up with them as soon as possible, that I'm going to help Gordy find the parts he needs. The gas station at the top of the hill was inevitably closed. He told me that he would give me some gas money if I helped him find somewhere in the area. I didn't really want the money but the company and a new adventure sounded like a great plan to me. We spend the better part of the next 2 hours looking in convenience stores and walmarts for the stupid clamps that everywhere that sells anything that has to do with cars should have... During this time we talk about God, my parents divorce, his life as a trucker and such. I could tell that he had a pretty solid head on his shoulders when it comes to that sort of stuff. We looked in EVERY single possible place we could on that side of town for the stupid clamps, nothing. So he tells me that he knows that they have them at the truckers station on 21st and Redwood, a good 15 mile drive out, and that he could give me more money if I could get him out there. I knew Gordy absolutely needed these parts to get where he had to be on time, so of course I helped him out. The ensuing half hour ride there and back was filled with wonderful conversation about learning to have a servants heart, and that almost no one anymore is willing to help out like I was to him that night. When we got back to his truck he asked me if I would like any fresh fruit. He was carrying mangoes and gave me 2 mangoes and a 20 dollar bill, one mango for each parent because he knows they are going through a tough time and that that was really all he had to give.
I drove around with a saint tonight. A man who truly understood what service was about. I don't think hes been to church in years, but he truly understood that we were put here to help each other out. If I had had anything to do all day, If Blake hadn't run over something to puncture the tire, If I hadn't been indecisive at Nathans I wouldn't have ever met Gordy. But I saved his ass tonight by getting him the parts he needed on a day that it should have been impossible to get anything. And Gordy showed me that really men of God are sometimes the ones you least expect.

Goodnight and Godbless
Hangman

Early Morning Inspiration

So... the scene starts like this... It's 3 am and I'm exhausted. I go outside for a cigarette to slow my mind down, and I'm just struck by the beautiful night around me and had an inner awakening of sorts, and I walked inside and wrote these lyrics, that odds are, I'm going to hate in the morning and think they are lame. But here they are fresh and unfinished. Still need to write a verse 2, but I figure that will come when I wake up here in uh... 3 hours... Nix that, here I am back, just half an hour later adding my verse 2 to it, and I already am starting to hate it because its SOOO cliche... But I think I'll keep it, because its all from the heart.

Finding Solace

Verse 1
It's been a long time
Since I felt this way
Or cared to write a song
In a major key
But some things in life
They change the game
Been waiting for you
To call my name

Chorus
But she sings like an angel
Enraptured by her voice
There's comfort in her eyes
And a reason to rejoice
Dances like a shooting star
Across the sky
Oh there's hurt in her heart
But it's captivated mine

Verse 2
It’s been a long road of struggles
To bring us here
And a longer road ahead
‘Till I’ll find you near
But times like these
I find it worth the fight
Wishing you were here
With me tonight


Tag
I've found my
Solace

Productivity

Finally some good news. I got my ass in gear today and got some stuff done, putting the cafe racer project in to gear. Got the carburetors off to switch out the throttle cables (the old cable honestly could have snapped at any moment, time for a new one.) Sadly as I had feared, the tank seems to have acquired some sediment and the carbs seem to be in need of cleaning again after sitting in an impound yard for two weeks, then not being properly winterized... Both of those are oops's on my part. I went to the parts store and got some advice on how to put the throttle housing back together and make it bar end mirror compatible and got a new fuel filter, tomorrow hopefully I'll pull the carbs apart and clean them out, maybe adjust the floats, but probably not, get them back in and reinstall the throttle, choke etc, and get that part conquered. Clean the sediment out of the tank too and toss that back on and we could actually have a running motorcycle tomorrow afternoon... But in all honest, since what should take 1 or 2 days of hard work always ends up taking 2 weeks. Lets shoot for a running bike by mid May.

The Tide and it's Takers

Riding home tonight on my now probationed license I was listening to some good, old fashioned, Alaskan hardcore, 36 Crazyfists. And the final song on their most recent album came on and it really hit me hard. It starts off as just the singer and an acoustic guitar playing a dark but mellow melody and singing about the times that we all know, that we will always remember. Times that hurt, times that have really defined who we are. The song goes on to build, masterfully, but keeps the same mellow idea and same tone through the whole song. Here's the lyrics, I suggest everyone look the song up and enjoy

The Tide and it's Takers - 36 Crazyfists

Open to May, when we were young and brave
Took steps to remove me, I'll come in and out with the tides
The lost and the love, I admire
You had every chance to close this, to take it all down and out of sight
Where there's nothing to find and there's nothing to hide

Your breath fills my skin, all the way in
In the event of an emergency, I'll ask for your saving again

Return to now, as we are opened wide
Underneath the haze of lights and scents of cigarettes and lies
So say your goodbyes and let it all die tonight
'Cause you have every chance to close this, and let it all in and out of sight, where there's nothing to hide, where faith buries strike

Your breath fills my skin, all the way in
In the event of an emergency, I'll ask for your saving again
I'd sleep in mountains of rain to never escape from the endless you
And we'll side step the masses and live life through the glasses of truth
And you'll never go away
Yeah, you'll never go away

The Angry Blog

This is going to be the angry blog.
This is a wonderful week. Still unemployed with 0 prospects, Alaska and Hawaii are looking to be considerably harder to reach than originally planned. The DMV sent me a letter saying that I need to go in to a branch and make an appointment for something or another inevitably saying that my license is on probation or something to that effect. The girl I first fell in love with just got engaged to the guy she dumped me for, and I got that news second-handed from a friend talking nonchalant about it. And I finally found a girl i connect really well with, she's going through hell and all I have done is bust my ass to make sure shes ok, but despite how well we connected the first few days, she has promptly started to ignore me and not take my hand of help. I just don't get it on that one... really... All I have done is try to help, and when we are together its like being on the clouds, but now I'm ignored, my help isn't accepted and I get to watch her fall apart alone...
But.
Would I change a few of these situations for the better?
Yes
But.
Would I trade this life for one that knows not what suffering means?
No, never would I want something other than this, because this is real, and I know I'm doing all I can for my life, and it's something that I have made mine.
PTFO

I Disappear

So I'm in Cardston, AB and last night was a rough night that inspired this song, It's not finished, but I've got both verses and the chorus down.

I Disappear

Verse 1
I'm sick of feeling all alone
The only one the way I am
But try as I might within the crowd
No one gives a damn
I'm sick of being all alone
In search of who I am
There comes a time with everyone
When it's time to take a stand

Chorus
And I
Could Disappear
Run Away
Far from here
And I
Could shed a tear
Fall apart
Live in fear (of me)

Verse 2
I’m sick of feeling all alone
Always misunderstood
Words and phrases, whispers, rumors
I’ve always done all I could
I’m sick of being all alone
Lost in this game of life
Pushing on through it all
Trying to balance on the knife

Here We Be Men

It's nights like this that in the morning we all ask ourselves,
Were we living last night,
Or just dying a little bit more.
Well Here's my answer.
It's nights like this we laugh,
It's nights like this we cry,
It's nights like this we love all,
It's nights like this we also hate all,
It's nights like this we fall,
So that nights like this we learn to stand,
So that as nights like this continue to come,
We stand strong,
We stand smart,
We stand as men,
And as I look up at the sky
To see your face,
I raise a glass and say
It's nights like this we know what it means to be human,
It's nights like this we Truly Live

Magnet

Alright, so i know i havent kept up with this at all. To be honest its because im feeling more and more detached from everything i am, so i have neglected this seemingly pointless blog.... So in air of that, here's a question to the air. Why do i always seem to attract women with loads upon loads of issues. And I'm not talking about like over time they tend to develop an attraction to me... NO NOT AT ALL, like I'm talking some are all but saying love at first sight sort of stuff, some have never even seen my face in person... Holy shit! I mean, what the hell, and if they aren't attracted to me in that sort of way they seem to make me their savior, place their every problem on me... Now there are a few girls who i love, live for even, to help, but they know that, and they dont abuse me. Why can't stable people be attracted to me the way i draw these others to me like a magnet?

Woods

As I become more and more nocturnal from my distaste in going to sleep at decent times grows I begin to ponder more and more. Hours every night of thinking about my life and where I am, the events around me.
2 of my best friends are now gone on mormon missions that I don't agree with. Dead to me, Tanr and Aj are dead. While they live on elsewhere doing something that is brainwashing them, they have died to everyone here who isn't in their brainwash too.
My support system is taking a major transformation. New faces, new methods, new pain.
I have grown to hate my mother. I hope for a day that I will no longer have to deal with her, a day when all she will be is a faded memory, an ugly scar over a nasty wound. If I have kids, I hope they will never know her.
My view on my father is shifting slowly that way as well. While I'm sure I'll keep him in my life he is still a constant reminder of who I really started out as.
As a lie. A bad idea to try to mend a bad marriage.
It has become apparent that both of my parents have been living lies for the last 20 howevermany years they have been married. That the marriage shouldn't have ever happened. That they brought 3 kids into this lie because they were too stupid to see it for what it is, and now we are all paying for it.
I lashed out at my dad the other day when he was hounding me for not spending enough time with my mom, he kept saying things like "but you know she loves you" yeah, I know that. So I let him know how I felt in a way he would understand by replying with "yeah, and she knows how to hurt those shes loves really fucking well doesnt she?"
I no longer have this thing called family. My mother and father are now just parents, the people that birthed me and raised me in a lie. Now that there is truth I am not a part of them. My siblings ignore me, because I am the black sheep, I don't fit the puzzle anymore.
I'm sick of lying, telling people, yeah I'm doing alright. 'Cause I'm not. I'm fucked up, I'm always fucked up, my heart is a mess because I haven't broken down for months, and every time I might, I can't and I just harden my heart more. It's getting harder and harder to even feel. To be something other than hatred and anger. To care, to live, to love.
I feel I'm lost in the woods, searching for a clearing, I know all these things about whats going on around me, I just have no idea what to do with them, where to go with them. I just know, I can't stay here.

The Spirit of the Season

I hate the holidays...

Update

So recently I haven't been compelled to write on this, so tonight, even though no one is going to read this, I'm going to put an update up just to stay in practice and keep up the good habit of letting out my life into the interweb. Family=Suck, I hate the holidays and I'm sure I will bitch about this profusely in the days to come on this, so stay tuned for that one. The bike is pissing me off, I finally got around to changing the oil, I get everything back together and the piece wont start up. The starter motor runs great, and on a roll start it will make a few revolutions then just die, and I'm talking a few like 3, not 3,000 like it would do in a minute, but like 3. Frustrating and I don't have the money to work on it... Money... Unemployed, and down to a budget of $8. The jeep's brakes are destroyed, thusly can't drive to turn in apps, can't really apply that far away... Catch 22, and screwed... Need to work on that one.

Stay Tuned

The Emotion of Melody

So Saturday I went by moms house to use her car, she was late home as usual and then demanded on talking to me for half an hour before I could escape anyway. Fortunately I was playing around on the crappy classical guitar at that house and was able to play away any dissent I wanted to just shout out at her. I learned that give either a guitar or a piano I can put any emotion into melody, no matter if I could use words to describe it or not. Minor progressions, suspended chords, staccato or legato notes, I can make it all come out. I'm not a phenomenal musician, but I play well enough for myself and the purpose therein.

The Reckoning

Okay, here goes. Epiphany time. It's now useless for me to hate my parents for the divorce. I can't keep avoiding my mom just because of what she's done to my family. I can and will always hate their decisions, but now that they are both happy with where this is going I need to meet them where they are at and not let this junk get in the way of trying to be a family anyway. I will always hate what they have done. I will hate that they said that the marriage wasn't good from the first place, therefore making me and the other kids essentially mistakes in their life. A bad idea to bring into a bad marriage, or an attempt to bond together 2 people never meant to be together. So, I'm going to start talking to my mom again, start being around, maybe even get lunch with her and really talk.

I think I'm going to ask my dad if I can wear his wedding ring. He doesn't anymore and I would really like to wear it as a reminder of the good times and something to see to remind myself not to mess up the way they did.

Next epiphany, I had this one awhile ago, but am just now getting the courage to put it down and really talk about it. I'm happy for her, So incredibly happy for her. No matter how much I ever could have loved her she found someone who will do it better than I ever could have and that can give her EXACTLY what she wants in life, a family, something I could never have been able to do.

I'm all out of epiphanies for today.

Oblivion 15

I'm lost and alone, the world is my enemy because I have made it so. I am lost, alone, forgotten in this world because I made it that way. I have a quest, a purpose, a mighty savior who I know and love, who knows and loves me. Yet in that I am like a warrior with a quest, completely removed from the situation, I can do no good where I am, yet I run in circles and can't get away from this place. My life is going nowhere, my friend group is dissolving, everyone else is finding there place yet I am left lost. A good friend of mine, AJ Johnson, once wrote a song named Oblivion 15, one of the lines in the pre-chorus is "Lost souls left wandering around, it's up to us to bring them down." For the longest time I believed that I was the one bring people back down, bringing them back in touch with reality, but tonight I learn that it is I who is the lost soul left wandering around. But there is no one here to bring me down.
I am lost
I am alone
I feel completely abandonned
I hate this world
This world hates me
And this is all the reality I have created
I know my God is bigger than all this, but what good does that do other than a light at the end of the tunnel. Sure I have the best fucking light at the end of any tunnel in history, but that doesn't help me now except that I know I'm good in the long run. What good does that do us here stuck in the darkness of the tunnel, stuck wandering around this cold, dark isolation, to those of us who are lost. It's like when you are driving around and you say you aren't lost cause you know where you came from and you know where you are going and you know you are somewhere between those two points. But lets face it, you are completely out of your league and don't have any idea where you are or why you are here. Eveony around me is getting it, getting fulfilled with what they are pursuing, what they desire. I hate to be the selfish bastard, but it's hard not to say "well what about me who has suffered so much more and so much longer than he, where is my help, where is my guide, where is my light in this dark time?" but that's exactly how I feel. Lost souls it is. I'm searching for my oblivion 15

Lost

I don't dream anymore. Not that I have just stopped having my extremely vivid, all tied together dreams, but I don't dream at all. I feel like I'm loosing touch with this Eden I have found, I feel numb.

Bailout

So I finally got my bike out of impound yesterday. It cost me $530 that I don't have... 270 of that was just for the towing.... It then ran out of gas upon trying to start it up to get it in the truck bed, fell over in the truck bed spilling its oil everywhere, broke down when I decided I was going to ride it home with Tanr on my tail... But at least I have it back. So now starts the process of fixing whatever is wrong with the throttle system, probably re cleaning my carbs, overhauling my front forks, resealing one of the cylinders, buying new tires (I'm gonna pay someone to put those on, not in my realm of knowledge), changing both the motor oil and the drive shaft oil, taking off the rear rack, replacing all the turn signals, buying and putting on clubman bars, replacing all the cables, buying and installing a vintage front fairing and trying to make it into a respectable cafe racer... It's going to be a busy winter.

Dreams

The last few weeks I have been having extremely detailed and memorable dreams. Almost never have I been able to remember my dreams upon waking but now I can almost write them down detail for detail. There are recurring people, some I have met, some I have never met. All these dreams are very realistic too, which is very uncharacteristic of anything I have ever remembered before. In them I am happy, there is struggle, but I am actually happy. To the point that sometimes all I want to do is go back to sleep and relive a few more moments of this dreamland paradise. Ironically enough I went to panda express today and my fortune said "Hold tight to your dreams" Is this a coping method my body is developing to deal with the stress? Is this just a new stage in my subconscious development? Or is this just all pure coincidence?

Nostalgia

Today I've noticed that I have become extremely nostalgic. I'm remembering old times that there was a tiny sliver of sunlight penetrating the gloomy overcast skies of my life. Old friends, old relationships, old hobbies, old hang out places, old road trips, old songs. It's really just hitting me hard I think that even though i was going through hell back then, I seemed to have something tangible to keep me up, at least those are the times I am remembering. I have this burning desire to rekindle relationships with people who have somehow dropped out of my life or that I'm not close with anymore even though I know that I will probably be let down by the fact that neither they nor I will ever be the same as it was. I was driving home from Doug and Moose's place tonight and the song "Running Blind" by Godsmack came on and it just really hit home.

Can't find the answers
I've been crawling on my knees
Looking for anything
To keep me from drowning
Promises have been turned to lies
Can't even be honest inside
Now I'm running backward
Watching my life wave me goodbye

Running blind
I'm running blind
Somebody help me see I'm running blind

Searching for nothing
Wondering if I'll change
I'm trying everything
But everything still stays the same
I thought if I showed you I could fly
Wouldn't need anyone by my side
Now I'm running backward
With broken wings I know I'll die

Running blind
I'm running blind
Somebody help me see I'm running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind

I can't find the answers
I've been crawling on my knees
Looking for anything
To keep me from drowning
I'm running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind

Live

I'm sick of having to push people to take a step out of the shell of false existence, will no one come push to the edge with me and truly live, truly be alive?

Today was a hard day. I don't know why but I've just wanted to kill someone all day. I sit down to write music and go back to an old song and it just sounds like shit. Everything I try to play today just gets fumbled around my fingers. My emotions are a fucking mess and I need someone who knows me to really just sit and talk to, but I feel the people who actually could help me in a way don't care to be around or would think my intentions were all wrong. Even listening to metal at full blast is not taking away my anguish. I'm lost, someone real come find me.

Surfacing

It kills me that I'll probably never have another deep intimate moment with her, that now, months later I've just become background noise. I'm over wanting something more than a friendship, but I would really like to be able to sit down over coffee and talk 'till the sun rises about our lives. That probably will never happen again.

Divorce

I was supposed to go to a shrink tomorrow and talk to her about my parents divorce. Originally this was supposed to be me, my mother and my father all sitting down with a councilor and talking about this all. But some how that bitch that brought me into this world decided to twist this to something that will be completely in her control and send me to someone she knows and who will try to make me feel like the bad person for hating this fission in the only slightly stable thing in my life... Then I wasn't told about this meeting and now my mom is making me out to be the bad guy for not paying any attention to when this stuff is. FUCK THIS SHIT

Seasons

Breakdown

I don't know why but I just woke up this morning and felt everything finally come down on me. I'm sitting on facebook looking at random pictures of random people and finding myself spiraling towards a breakdown and I really don't know why. Random songs are making me really nostalgic for times that never happened, other peoples pictures that have NOTHING at all to do with me are making me miss them, or where they were in the picture. I think I'm going to have another apathy snap soon and I'm kinda scared. Anyways I don't know where I'm going with this one so cheers.

Idiocy

So I got pulled over Thursday night on my bike... As many of you know that just didn't work out... I got the bike impounded and am not struggling to figure out how to get it out... But alas, I deserved it... Sad day

Hallelujah

Hallelujah, a shout of joy, praise, or gratitude. Never until today did I truly understand this word. My life is falling apart around me. My parents are going through a terrible divorce that came out of nowhere, a relationship that I held dear to me ended recently out of necessity, my job is wonderfully unstable and I desperately need to leave this state. But for no earthy reason whatsoever I am truly the happiest I have been in years. Today I listened to Blister by Memento today and the chorus goes "Every mother is a whore, Every father is a war, Hallelujah, You take any port in a storm, You take any road that gets you home, Hallelujah" I'm not sure what the artist meant in this song but to me it just screams to praise God in this world that is so broken, so sick and dying around us. The lord does not promise us happiness, but he does promise us joy, Today I was showed this as fully as I can understand. My life may be full of depression and tragedy, but my joy does not come from this world, my joy is in the Lord. Hallelujah.

Meaning In This Chaos

I don't rightly know why I'm making a blog, or if anyone will ever read it, but I guess it will help me organize my thoughts... Maybe... In this I plan to jot down whats going on with my bike, music in my life and how God is currently working in and around me. So sit back, yell at me when I confuse you and enjoy the ride.