Woods

As I become more and more nocturnal from my distaste in going to sleep at decent times grows I begin to ponder more and more. Hours every night of thinking about my life and where I am, the events around me.
2 of my best friends are now gone on mormon missions that I don't agree with. Dead to me, Tanr and Aj are dead. While they live on elsewhere doing something that is brainwashing them, they have died to everyone here who isn't in their brainwash too.
My support system is taking a major transformation. New faces, new methods, new pain.
I have grown to hate my mother. I hope for a day that I will no longer have to deal with her, a day when all she will be is a faded memory, an ugly scar over a nasty wound. If I have kids, I hope they will never know her.
My view on my father is shifting slowly that way as well. While I'm sure I'll keep him in my life he is still a constant reminder of who I really started out as.
As a lie. A bad idea to try to mend a bad marriage.
It has become apparent that both of my parents have been living lies for the last 20 howevermany years they have been married. That the marriage shouldn't have ever happened. That they brought 3 kids into this lie because they were too stupid to see it for what it is, and now we are all paying for it.
I lashed out at my dad the other day when he was hounding me for not spending enough time with my mom, he kept saying things like "but you know she loves you" yeah, I know that. So I let him know how I felt in a way he would understand by replying with "yeah, and she knows how to hurt those shes loves really fucking well doesnt she?"
I no longer have this thing called family. My mother and father are now just parents, the people that birthed me and raised me in a lie. Now that there is truth I am not a part of them. My siblings ignore me, because I am the black sheep, I don't fit the puzzle anymore.
I'm sick of lying, telling people, yeah I'm doing alright. 'Cause I'm not. I'm fucked up, I'm always fucked up, my heart is a mess because I haven't broken down for months, and every time I might, I can't and I just harden my heart more. It's getting harder and harder to even feel. To be something other than hatred and anger. To care, to live, to love.
I feel I'm lost in the woods, searching for a clearing, I know all these things about whats going on around me, I just have no idea what to do with them, where to go with them. I just know, I can't stay here.

The Spirit of the Season

I hate the holidays...

Update

So recently I haven't been compelled to write on this, so tonight, even though no one is going to read this, I'm going to put an update up just to stay in practice and keep up the good habit of letting out my life into the interweb. Family=Suck, I hate the holidays and I'm sure I will bitch about this profusely in the days to come on this, so stay tuned for that one. The bike is pissing me off, I finally got around to changing the oil, I get everything back together and the piece wont start up. The starter motor runs great, and on a roll start it will make a few revolutions then just die, and I'm talking a few like 3, not 3,000 like it would do in a minute, but like 3. Frustrating and I don't have the money to work on it... Money... Unemployed, and down to a budget of $8. The jeep's brakes are destroyed, thusly can't drive to turn in apps, can't really apply that far away... Catch 22, and screwed... Need to work on that one.

Stay Tuned

The Emotion of Melody

So Saturday I went by moms house to use her car, she was late home as usual and then demanded on talking to me for half an hour before I could escape anyway. Fortunately I was playing around on the crappy classical guitar at that house and was able to play away any dissent I wanted to just shout out at her. I learned that give either a guitar or a piano I can put any emotion into melody, no matter if I could use words to describe it or not. Minor progressions, suspended chords, staccato or legato notes, I can make it all come out. I'm not a phenomenal musician, but I play well enough for myself and the purpose therein.

The Reckoning

Okay, here goes. Epiphany time. It's now useless for me to hate my parents for the divorce. I can't keep avoiding my mom just because of what she's done to my family. I can and will always hate their decisions, but now that they are both happy with where this is going I need to meet them where they are at and not let this junk get in the way of trying to be a family anyway. I will always hate what they have done. I will hate that they said that the marriage wasn't good from the first place, therefore making me and the other kids essentially mistakes in their life. A bad idea to bring into a bad marriage, or an attempt to bond together 2 people never meant to be together. So, I'm going to start talking to my mom again, start being around, maybe even get lunch with her and really talk.

I think I'm going to ask my dad if I can wear his wedding ring. He doesn't anymore and I would really like to wear it as a reminder of the good times and something to see to remind myself not to mess up the way they did.

Next epiphany, I had this one awhile ago, but am just now getting the courage to put it down and really talk about it. I'm happy for her, So incredibly happy for her. No matter how much I ever could have loved her she found someone who will do it better than I ever could have and that can give her EXACTLY what she wants in life, a family, something I could never have been able to do.

I'm all out of epiphanies for today.

Oblivion 15

I'm lost and alone, the world is my enemy because I have made it so. I am lost, alone, forgotten in this world because I made it that way. I have a quest, a purpose, a mighty savior who I know and love, who knows and loves me. Yet in that I am like a warrior with a quest, completely removed from the situation, I can do no good where I am, yet I run in circles and can't get away from this place. My life is going nowhere, my friend group is dissolving, everyone else is finding there place yet I am left lost. A good friend of mine, AJ Johnson, once wrote a song named Oblivion 15, one of the lines in the pre-chorus is "Lost souls left wandering around, it's up to us to bring them down." For the longest time I believed that I was the one bring people back down, bringing them back in touch with reality, but tonight I learn that it is I who is the lost soul left wandering around. But there is no one here to bring me down.
I am lost
I am alone
I feel completely abandonned
I hate this world
This world hates me
And this is all the reality I have created
I know my God is bigger than all this, but what good does that do other than a light at the end of the tunnel. Sure I have the best fucking light at the end of any tunnel in history, but that doesn't help me now except that I know I'm good in the long run. What good does that do us here stuck in the darkness of the tunnel, stuck wandering around this cold, dark isolation, to those of us who are lost. It's like when you are driving around and you say you aren't lost cause you know where you came from and you know where you are going and you know you are somewhere between those two points. But lets face it, you are completely out of your league and don't have any idea where you are or why you are here. Eveony around me is getting it, getting fulfilled with what they are pursuing, what they desire. I hate to be the selfish bastard, but it's hard not to say "well what about me who has suffered so much more and so much longer than he, where is my help, where is my guide, where is my light in this dark time?" but that's exactly how I feel. Lost souls it is. I'm searching for my oblivion 15

Lost

I don't dream anymore. Not that I have just stopped having my extremely vivid, all tied together dreams, but I don't dream at all. I feel like I'm loosing touch with this Eden I have found, I feel numb.

Bailout

So I finally got my bike out of impound yesterday. It cost me $530 that I don't have... 270 of that was just for the towing.... It then ran out of gas upon trying to start it up to get it in the truck bed, fell over in the truck bed spilling its oil everywhere, broke down when I decided I was going to ride it home with Tanr on my tail... But at least I have it back. So now starts the process of fixing whatever is wrong with the throttle system, probably re cleaning my carbs, overhauling my front forks, resealing one of the cylinders, buying new tires (I'm gonna pay someone to put those on, not in my realm of knowledge), changing both the motor oil and the drive shaft oil, taking off the rear rack, replacing all the turn signals, buying and putting on clubman bars, replacing all the cables, buying and installing a vintage front fairing and trying to make it into a respectable cafe racer... It's going to be a busy winter.

Dreams

The last few weeks I have been having extremely detailed and memorable dreams. Almost never have I been able to remember my dreams upon waking but now I can almost write them down detail for detail. There are recurring people, some I have met, some I have never met. All these dreams are very realistic too, which is very uncharacteristic of anything I have ever remembered before. In them I am happy, there is struggle, but I am actually happy. To the point that sometimes all I want to do is go back to sleep and relive a few more moments of this dreamland paradise. Ironically enough I went to panda express today and my fortune said "Hold tight to your dreams" Is this a coping method my body is developing to deal with the stress? Is this just a new stage in my subconscious development? Or is this just all pure coincidence?

Nostalgia

Today I've noticed that I have become extremely nostalgic. I'm remembering old times that there was a tiny sliver of sunlight penetrating the gloomy overcast skies of my life. Old friends, old relationships, old hobbies, old hang out places, old road trips, old songs. It's really just hitting me hard I think that even though i was going through hell back then, I seemed to have something tangible to keep me up, at least those are the times I am remembering. I have this burning desire to rekindle relationships with people who have somehow dropped out of my life or that I'm not close with anymore even though I know that I will probably be let down by the fact that neither they nor I will ever be the same as it was. I was driving home from Doug and Moose's place tonight and the song "Running Blind" by Godsmack came on and it just really hit home.

Can't find the answers
I've been crawling on my knees
Looking for anything
To keep me from drowning
Promises have been turned to lies
Can't even be honest inside
Now I'm running backward
Watching my life wave me goodbye

Running blind
I'm running blind
Somebody help me see I'm running blind

Searching for nothing
Wondering if I'll change
I'm trying everything
But everything still stays the same
I thought if I showed you I could fly
Wouldn't need anyone by my side
Now I'm running backward
With broken wings I know I'll die

Running blind
I'm running blind
Somebody help me see I'm running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind

I can't find the answers
I've been crawling on my knees
Looking for anything
To keep me from drowning
I'm running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind
Running blind

Live

I'm sick of having to push people to take a step out of the shell of false existence, will no one come push to the edge with me and truly live, truly be alive?

Today was a hard day. I don't know why but I've just wanted to kill someone all day. I sit down to write music and go back to an old song and it just sounds like shit. Everything I try to play today just gets fumbled around my fingers. My emotions are a fucking mess and I need someone who knows me to really just sit and talk to, but I feel the people who actually could help me in a way don't care to be around or would think my intentions were all wrong. Even listening to metal at full blast is not taking away my anguish. I'm lost, someone real come find me.

Surfacing

It kills me that I'll probably never have another deep intimate moment with her, that now, months later I've just become background noise. I'm over wanting something more than a friendship, but I would really like to be able to sit down over coffee and talk 'till the sun rises about our lives. That probably will never happen again.

Divorce

I was supposed to go to a shrink tomorrow and talk to her about my parents divorce. Originally this was supposed to be me, my mother and my father all sitting down with a councilor and talking about this all. But some how that bitch that brought me into this world decided to twist this to something that will be completely in her control and send me to someone she knows and who will try to make me feel like the bad person for hating this fission in the only slightly stable thing in my life... Then I wasn't told about this meeting and now my mom is making me out to be the bad guy for not paying any attention to when this stuff is. FUCK THIS SHIT

Seasons

Breakdown

I don't know why but I just woke up this morning and felt everything finally come down on me. I'm sitting on facebook looking at random pictures of random people and finding myself spiraling towards a breakdown and I really don't know why. Random songs are making me really nostalgic for times that never happened, other peoples pictures that have NOTHING at all to do with me are making me miss them, or where they were in the picture. I think I'm going to have another apathy snap soon and I'm kinda scared. Anyways I don't know where I'm going with this one so cheers.

Idiocy

So I got pulled over Thursday night on my bike... As many of you know that just didn't work out... I got the bike impounded and am not struggling to figure out how to get it out... But alas, I deserved it... Sad day

Hallelujah

Hallelujah, a shout of joy, praise, or gratitude. Never until today did I truly understand this word. My life is falling apart around me. My parents are going through a terrible divorce that came out of nowhere, a relationship that I held dear to me ended recently out of necessity, my job is wonderfully unstable and I desperately need to leave this state. But for no earthy reason whatsoever I am truly the happiest I have been in years. Today I listened to Blister by Memento today and the chorus goes "Every mother is a whore, Every father is a war, Hallelujah, You take any port in a storm, You take any road that gets you home, Hallelujah" I'm not sure what the artist meant in this song but to me it just screams to praise God in this world that is so broken, so sick and dying around us. The lord does not promise us happiness, but he does promise us joy, Today I was showed this as fully as I can understand. My life may be full of depression and tragedy, but my joy does not come from this world, my joy is in the Lord. Hallelujah.

Meaning In This Chaos

I don't rightly know why I'm making a blog, or if anyone will ever read it, but I guess it will help me organize my thoughts... Maybe... In this I plan to jot down whats going on with my bike, music in my life and how God is currently working in and around me. So sit back, yell at me when I confuse you and enjoy the ride.